Ain't there anyone here for love, sweet love?

[prillalar]

Ah, my loves, Happy Valentine's Day!

Last week, I was chatting with kormantic and saying I should get something done for you all for a Valentine's treat. And she told me that I give so much, I should get people to give me things instead. So I thought that was a good idea but then I forgot to post about it ahead of time, demanding tribute drabbles for Valentine's Day.

So I came up with a way to both give and get prezzies: the Drabble-Matic.

Head over, make yourself a drabble -- slash, het, any fandom -- and then post it here so I can read it.

(I should warn you, my site has been a little slow today. Figures. And let me know if you find any bugs or typos.)

ETA: Damn, I spent all last night and a lot of this morning coding this and now my host is having network problems. Sometimes you can get through, sometimes not. Damn.

ETA 2: Linking, either to this post, or to the Drabble-Matic itself, is just fine.

ETA 3: If you want to try another drabble with the same terms, just reload the result page. If you get a message asking you if you want to re-post the info, say yes. Clicking the Again button will take you back to enter new terms.

Comments

[electricandroid.livejournal.com]

A Bannana In Time

On a tight and soft morning, Bill sat on a tower. It was Valentine's Day and he was all alone. His toe ached in sorrow for the secret love that he could never share. How could he expect Severus to love someone with an exemplary bellybutton?

Quickly, he began to recite a poem he had composed. "Ah, my love is like a magnificent venusian bedsocks, all on a summer's day. I wish my Severus would lick me, in his own illogical way..."

"Do you?" Severus sat down beside Bill and put his hand on Bill's neck. "I think that could be arranged."

Bill gasped pornographically. "But what about my exemplary bellybutton?"

"I like it," Severus said huskily. "I think it's nubbly."

They came together and their kiss was the cold breeze that crushed the hearts of them..

"I love you," Bill said silkily.

"I love you too," Severus replied and licked him.

They bought a thestral, moved in together, and lived nakedly ever after.

Re:

[layha.livejournal.com]

The Adventure Of The Pixie

Severus and Harry were out for a poncy Valentine's walk in a cauldron. As they went, Harry rested his hand on Severus's finger. It was the most romantic walk ever. But even though the day was so syphellitic, Severus was filled with dainty dread.

"Do you suppose it's slytherin green here?" he asked lovingly.

"You epic silly," Harry said, tickling Severus with his book. "It's completely love-lorn."

Just then, an aching pixie leapt out from behind a desk and held Harry in the eye. "Aaargh!" Harry screamed.

Things looked splendid. But Severus, although he was soaring, knew he had to save his love. He grabbed a cauldron and, like the most glorious of sunsets that tinged the world with the truest of love, beat the pixie properly until it ran off. "That will teach you to hold innocent people."

Then he clasped Harry close. Harry was bleeding pointedly. "My darling," Severus said, and pressed his lips to Harry's mouth.

"I love you," Harry said softly, and expired in Severus's arms.

Severus never loved again.

To Enthusiastically Kiss

[zvi-likes-tv.livejournal.com]

Van and Deaq were celebrating a silly Valentine's Day together. Van had cooked a thoughtful dinner and they ate through a window by candlelight.

"My darling," Deaq said, stroking Van's knee, "I have something for you." He gave a box to Van. "It is but a demonstrative token of my lovely love."

Van opened the box. Inside was a late sandwich! He gazed at it happily. Then he gazed at Deaq happily. "It's hungry," Van said. "Come here and let me kiss you."

Just then, a bitter crone sprang out of hiding and cackled like a furious Mama Lachey hearing about another of Nick's careless moving schemes that did not quite kill her baby Drew. "Your happiness will not last!" she said in a green voice and dropped a piece of paper onto the dinner table.

Deaq read it. "It's a page from a diary. It says...it says that you're my brother."

They stared at each other truthfully as the crone cackled some more. Van's finger began to tremble. Then Deaq shrugged, pulled out a blood, and hit the crone on her head. She fell over dead.

"Problem solved!" Van said and kissed Deaq quickly. "This is a tasty Valentine's Day!"

They slowly burned the diary page in the candle and never told another soul.

And then they kissed each other all night long.

Re: To Enthusiastically Kiss

[overloved.livejournal.com]

Hilarious.

How I wish they would uncancel fastlane

*howling*

[thete1.livejournal.com]

OMG I *love* you...

The Adventure Of The Zebra

Sirius and Harry were out for a sticky Valentine's walk near the tree. As they went, Harry rested his hand on Sirius's dick. It was the most romantic walk ever. But even though the day was so needful, Sirius was filled with blue dread.

"Do you suppose it's beautiful here?" he asked loudly.

"You shiny silly," Harry said, tickling Sirius with his wand. "It's completely sick."

Just then, a hungry zebra leapt out from behind a candle and sucked Harry in the tongue. "Aaargh!" Harry screamed.

Things looked painful. But Sirius, although he was dirty, knew he had to save his love. He grabbed a book and, as a phoenix rising from the ashes of the past, beat the zebra achingly until it ran off. "That will teach you to suck innocent people."

Then he clasped Harry close. Harry was bleeding darkly. "My darling," Sirius said, and pressed his lips to Harry's finger.

"I love you," Harry said sweetly, and expired in Sirius's arms.

Sirius never loved again.

[http://users.livejournal.com/oceana_/]

I think I love you. :-)

The Adventure Of The Moose

Daniel and Methos were out for an obsessed Valentine's walk in Jack's garden. As they went, Methos rested his hand on Daniel's ass. It was the most romantic walk ever. But even though the day was so smooth, Daniel was filled with old dread.

"Do you suppose it's glamoruos here?" he asked drowsy.

"You soothing silly," Methos said, tickling Daniel with his beer. "It's completely innocent."

Just then, a slutty moose leapt out from behind a bed and pushed Methos in the neck. "Aaargh!" Methos screamed.

Things looked arrogant. But Daniel, although he was sexy, knew he had to save his love. He grabbed a kitchen and, more fun than a barrel of monkeys, beat the moose owlishly until it ran off. "That will teach you to stroke innocent people."

Then he clasped Methos close. Methos was bleeding fast. "My darling," Daniel said, and pressed his lips to Methos's hand.

"I love you," Methos said slowly, and expired in Daniel's arms.

Daniel never loved again.

Oh my God!

[scrollgirl.livejournal.com]

That's just too funny! Way to go! And hey, you finally have that Methos/Daniel fic you'd been talking about :) My favourite bit is this part:

"I love you," Methos said slowly, and expired in Daniel's arms.

Daniel never loved again.

Because it is so damn serious and dramatic and angst! woe! pathos! and I can't help but laugh and laugh and laugh :) Hee!

Just for you, my brilliant goddess

[laurashapiro.livejournal.com]

A Thorn In Time

On a sweaty and light morning, Mulder sat in a hammock. It was Valentine's Day and he was all alone. His skull ached in sorrow for the secret love that he could never share. How could he expect Skinner to love someone with a voluptuous hand?

Expensively, he began to recite a poem he had composed. "Ah, my love is like a bracing tight book, all on a summer's day. I wish my Skinner would slap me, in his own ticklish way..."

"Do you?" Skinner sat down beside Mulder and put his hand on Mulder's ass. "I think that could be arranged."

Mulder gasped quickly. "But what about my voluptuous hand?"

"I like it," Skinner said hugely. "I think it's harmonic."

They came together and their kiss was like an ocean wave caressing the shore.

"I love you," Mulder said breathily.

"I love you too," Skinner replied and fucked him.

They bought a cat, moved in together, and lived ridiculously ever after.

[penknife.livejournal.com]

This is . . . alarmingly appropriate.

The Adventure Of The Dog

Remus and Sirius were out for a large Valentine's walk in the woods. As they went, Sirius rested his hand on Remus's knee. It was the most romantic walk ever. But even though the day was so dubious, Remus was filled with angst-ridden dread.

"Do you suppose it's terrific here?" he asked unusually.

"You muddy silly," Sirius said, tickling Remus with his teacup. "It's completely passionate."

Just then, a furry dog leapt out from behind a wand and stabbed Sirius in the chest. "Aaargh!" Sirius screamed.

Things looked friendly. But Remus, although he was black, knew he had to save his love. He grabbed a quill and, like a tragic yet alarmingly fascinating train wreck, beat the dog breathlessly until it ran off. "That will teach you to stab innocent people."

Then he clasped Sirius close. Sirius was bleeding unexpectedly. "My darling," Remus said, and pressed his lips to Sirius's hand.

"I love you," Sirius said furiously, and expired in Remus's arms.

Remus never loved again.

[astolat]

You are a loon. *grins*

To Very Fuck

Bud and Ed were celebrating a fast Valentine's Day together. Bud had cooked a cold dinner and they ate on a hot tin roof by candlelight.

"My darling," Ed said, stroking Bud's hand, "I have something for you." He gave a box to Bud. "It is but a hot token of my fucking love."

Bud opened the box. Inside was a blue sun! He gazed at it wetly. Then he gazed at Ed wetly. "It's tight," Bud said. "Come here and let me fuck you."

Just then, a slick crone sprang out of hiding and cackled like a thunderstorm in the desert that leaves you drenched with no water in sight. "Your happiness will not last!" she said in a sweet voice and dropped a piece of paper onto the dinner table.

Ed read it. "It's a page from a diary. It says...it says that you're my brother."

They stared at each other right as the crone cackled some more. Bud's cock began to tremble. Then Ed shrugged, pulled out a dirt, and hit the crone on her mouth. She fell over dead.

"Problem solved!" Bud said and kissed Ed newly. "This is a precise Valentine's Day!"

They sharply burned the diary page in the candle and never told another soul.

And then they fucked each other all night long.

[3jane.livejournal.com]

The Adventure Of The Vulture

Andrew and Ethan were out for a sharp Valentine's walk in the gutter. As they went, Ethan rested his hand on Andrew's ankle. It was the most romantic walk ever. But even though the day was so dark, Andrew was filled with chaotic dread.

"Do you suppose it's wet here?" he asked sharply.

"You blue silly," Ethan said, tickling Andrew with his door. "It's completely slippery."

Just then, a magical vulture leapt out from behind a shoe and scraped Ethan in the palm. "Aaargh!" Ethan screamed.

Things looked chocolatey. But Andrew, although he was disturbing, knew he had to save his love. He grabbed a whisper and, like falling ash in the smokey Mexico City nights of late winter, beat the vulture powerfully until it ran off. "That will teach you to scrape innocent people."

Then he clasped Ethan close. Ethan was bleeding curiously. "My darling," Andrew said, and pressed his lips to Ethan's nape.

"I love you," Ethan said dimly, and expired in Andrew's arms.

Andrew never loved again.

Hee!

[kylandra.livejournal.com]

To Menacingly Kiss

Snape and Lockhart were celebrating a poncy Valentine's Day together. Snape had cooked a disgruntled dinner and they ate under the desk by candlelight.

"My darling," Lockhart said, stroking Snape's neck, "I have something for you." He gave a box to Snape. "It is but a cranky token of my annoying love."

Snape opened the box. Inside was a boring singing cupid statue! He gazed at it quickly. Then he gazed at Lockhart quickly. "It's fluff brained," Snape said. "Come here and let me kiss you."

Just then, a dark haired crone sprang out of hiding and cackled like a swooping murder of crows. "Your happiness will not last!" she said in a difficult voice and dropped a piece of paper onto the dinner table.

Lockhart read it. "It's a page from a diary. It says...it says that you're my brother."

They stared at each other sweetly as the crone cackled some more. Snape's hand began to tremble. Then Lockhart shrugged, pulled out a wand, and hit the crone on her chest. She fell over dead.

"Problem solved!" Snape said and kissed Lockhart quietly. "This is an idiotic Valentine's Day!"

They cheerfully burned the diary page in the candle and never told another soul.

And then they kissed each other all night long.

Re: Hee!

[switchknife.livejournal.com]

Eeeee! This is SO SNAPE!!!! 'It's fluff brained. Come here and let me kiss you.'

Squee!

<3!

[xsmoonshine.livejournal.com]

The Adventure Of The Chicken

George and Fred were out for a squeamish Valentine's walk in his bed. As they went, Fred rested his hand on George's arm. It was the most romantic walk ever. But even though the day was so sparkly, George was filled with furry dread.

"Do you suppose it's malodorous here?" he asked happily.

"You attractive silly," Fred said, tickling George with his sandwich. "It's completely impossible."

Just then, an alarming chicken leapt out from behind a egg and kicked Fred in the leg. "Aaargh!" Fred screamed.

Things looked high. But George, although he was unlikely, knew he had to save his love. He grabbed a napkin and, like a very, very shiny rock, beat the chicken creepily until it ran off. "That will teach you to kick innocent people."

Then he clasped Fred close. Fred was bleeding drunkenly. "My darling," George said, and pressed his lips to Fred's toe.

"I love you," Fred said adoringly, and expired in George's arms.

George never loved again.

Ah, how touching. They are so *perfect* together!

[troyswann.livejournal.com]

Artificial Love

Jack finished packing. Ever since Tin!Jack, his own true love, had been lost at sea, Jack had been ergonomic.

There was nothing left for him anymore, nothing interfaced him, all was metal. So today, Valentine's Day, he was going in a rowboat to become a supertastic neutron reactor.

Just then, there was a fleshy knock at the door. Jack opened it and stood there identically for a moment, before falling to the floor in a swoon and bruising his eye.

When Jack came to, Tin!Jack was holding his tailbone and looking superhuman. "My love," Tin!Jack said robotically, "I'm sorry for the buffed shock. I've been shipwrecked on an iridescent island for the last ten years, living like an elevator that only goes down. I was only rescued last week." He paused. "I lost my finger in the wreck. Can you still love me?"

Jack could hardly believe his Tin!Jack had returned. "I will always love you, finger or no finger. Besides, you can cover it up with a shoelace."

They embraced jubilantly and vowed to never be parted again.

And all was flatulent.

[lapislaz.livejournal.com]

Weird Love

Jeffrey finished packing. Ever since Michael, his own true love, had been lost at sea, Jeffrey had been sweet.

There was nothing left for him anymore, nothing loved him, all was shiny. So today, Valentine's Day, he was going to the bedroom to become a pearlescent couch.

Just then, there was a beautiful knock at the door. Jeffrey opened it and stood there happily for a moment, before falling to the floor in a swoon and bruising his cock.

When Jeffrey came to, Michael was holding his toe and looking ecstatic. "My love," Michael said sweetly, "I'm sorry for the blended shock. I've been shipwrecked on a loving island for the last ten years, living like a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. I was only rescued last week." He paused. "I lost my head in the wreck. Can you still love me?"

Jeffrey could hardly believe his Michael had returned. "I will always love you, head or no head. Besides, you can cover it up with a book."

They embraced blithely and vowed to never be parted again.

And all was handsome.

[phineasjones.livejournal.com]

A Table In Time

On a shiny and strong morning, wesley sat under a tree. It was Valentine's Day and he was all alone. His manhood ached in sorrow for the secret love that he could never share. How could he expect gunn to love someone with a smooth arse?

Crankily, he began to recite a poem he had composed. "Ah, my love is like a pretty swell fork, all on a summer's day. I wish my gunn would bite me, in his own nerdy way..."

"Do you?" gunn sat down beside wesley and put his hand on wesley's finger. "I think that could be arranged."

wesley gasped calmly. "But what about my smooth arse?"

"I like it," gunn said quietly. "I think it's luscious."

They came together and their kiss was like water dripping from a leaky faucet.

"I love you," wesley said angrily.

"I love you too," gunn replied and bit him.

They bought a cat, moved in together, and lived deftly ever after.

[zarahemla.livejournal.com]

Hardy Boys love!

Marvellously Tripping

Chet tripped along tipsily. He was on his way to meet his lover, Joe, for Valentine's Day. He smiled to see a nurse shark hopping along, carrying a pea-shooter in its mouth.

Chet was almost over the moon when he came across a derivative cake, lying alone on a creative plate. "That must be a treat from my marvelous bear," he said to himself, and tripped over to it. The caked looked pasty, so he ate it.

It gave him the most upstairs tingling sensation in his shoulder. "How unusual!" he said and continued tripping to see Joe.

When Joe came out to meet him, he took one look and fell over.

"What is it?" Chet cried intelligently.

"Your wrist! And your neck!" Joe said. "They're triumphant! Can't you feel it?"

Chet felt his wrist and his neck. They were indeed quite triumphant. "Oh, no!" Chet said. "I'm a woman!" He, or rather, she started to cry. "It must have been that derivative cake you left for me. Did you know what it would do?"

"I didn't leave you any cake," Joe said. "I got you a rhinoceros. It must have been that orderly man who lives nearby. He acts a little arbitrarily, ever since he built a breastplate."

"But how can you ever love me, now that I'm a woman?" Chet sobbed.

"Well, I never knew how to tell you this," Joe said darkly, "but I actually prefer women. And I think your wrist is really awful like that."

"Really?" Chet dried her tears. Chet kissed Joe and it was an entirely persnickety sensation, like the worlds moldiest sandwich in Todd Umzyck's locker.

They spent the night having entirely persnickety sex, until the cake wore off suddenly.

Everything was rather awkward after that.

This thing is addictive, like crack

[boniblithe.livejournal.com]

To Happily Smile

Gilderoy and Severus were celebrating a slow Valentine's Day together. Gilderoy had cooked a casual dinner and they ate in front of the desk by candlelight.

"My darling," Severus said, stroking Gilderoy's nose, "I have something for you." He gave a box to Gilderoy. "It is but a fatal token of my husky love."

Gilderoy opened the box. Inside was an incandescent streudel! He gazed at it seductively. Then he gazed at Severus seductively. "It's green," Gilderoy said. "Come here and let me snog you."

Just then, an intriguing crone sprang out of hiding and cackled like a soprano sweetly singing. "Your happiness will not last!" she said in a coy voice and dropped a piece of paper onto the dinner table.

Severus read it. "It's a page from a diary. It says...it says that you're my brother."

They stared at each other greedily as the crone cackled some more. Gilderoy's hand began to tremble. Then Severus shrugged, pulled out a rose, and hit the crone on her mouth. She fell over dead.

"Problem solved!" Gilderoy said and kissed Severus completely. "This is a glittery Valentine's Day!"

They abruptly burned the diary page in the candle and never told another soul.

And then they snogged each other all night long.

Re: This thing is addictive, like crack

[switchknife.livejournal.com]

*snaps fingers* Of course Slytherins would give green streudels! I should have known!

"This is a glittery Valentine's Day!"

And Gilderoy is so very, very gay!

Hi! I followed the link from Bonibaru. Love this!

[spiritkitty.livejournal.com]

Smarmily Tripping

Norman tripped along roughly. He was on his way to meet his lover, Dom, for Valentine's Day. He smiled to see a cat hopping along, carrying a doorknob in its mouth.

Norman was almost on a pillowcase when he came across a simple cake, lying alone on a steamy plate. "That must be a treat from my gorgeous bear," he said to himself, and tripped over to it. The caked looked tiny, so he ate it.

It gave him the most fluffy tingling sensation in his leg. "How unusual!" he said and continued tripping to see Dom.

When Dom came out to meet him, he took one look and fell over.

"What is it?" Norman cried breathlessly.

"Your finger! And your wrist!" Dom said. "They're gargantuan! Can't you feel it?"

Norman felt his finger and his wrist. They were indeed quite gargantuan. "Oh, no!" Norman said. "I'm a woman!" He, or rather, she started to cry. "It must have been that simple cake you left for me. Did you know what it would do?"

"I didn't leave you any cake," Dom said. "I got you a spatula. It must have been that itchy man who lives nearby. He acts a little patiently, ever since he humped a hobbit."

"But how can you ever love me, now that I'm a woman?" Norman sobbed.

"Well, I never knew how to tell you this," Dom said silkily, "but I actually prefer women. And I think your finger is really red like that."

"Really?" Norman dried her tears. Norman kissed Dom and it was an entirely outstanding sensation, like the trees that grump and growl angrily in Fanghorn Forest and scare innocent hobbits.

They spent the night having entirely outstanding sex, until the cake wore off suddenly.

Everything was rather awkward after that.

CRACK

[boniblithe.livejournal.com]

Skillfully Tripping

Will tripped along skillfully. He was on his way to meet his lover, Bran, for Valentine's Day. He smiled to see a kitten hopping along, carrying a raindrop in its mouth.

Will was almost under the boardwalk when he came across a pretty cake, lying alone on a lugubrious plate. "That must be a treat from my snuggly bear," he said to himself, and tripped over to it. The caked looked beautiful, so he ate it.

It gave him the most sweet tingling sensation in his hand. "How unusual!" he said and continued tripping to see Bran.

When Bran came out to meet him, he took one look and fell over.

"What is it?" Will cried happily.

"Your eye! And your chest!" Bran said. "They're smooth! Can't you feel it?"

Will felt his eye and his chest. They were indeed quite smooth. "Oh, no!" Will said. "I'm a woman!" He, or rather, she started to cry. "It must have been that pretty cake you left for me. Did you know what it would do?"

"I didn't leave you any cake," Bran said. "I got you a rose. It must have been that cool man who lives nearby. He acts a little huskily, ever since he snogged a blanket."

"But how can you ever love me, now that I'm a woman?" Will sobbed.

"Well, I never knew how to tell you this," Bran said passionately, "but I actually prefer women. And I think your eye is really clean like that."

"Really?" Will dried her tears. Will kissed Bran and it was an entirely large sensation, like a red, red rose.

They spent the night having entirely large sex, until the cake wore off suddenly.

Everything was rather awkward after that.

Hah, these are great!

[sociofemme.livejournal.com]

Bubbly Love

Hermione finished packing. Ever since Harry, her own true love, had been lost at sea, Hermione had been calm.

There was nothing left for her anymore, nothing ran her, all was joyful. So today, Valentine's Day, she was going on the grounds to become a gleeful bed.

Just then, there was a merry knock at the door. Hermione opened it and stood there softly for a moment, before falling to the floor in a swoon and bruising her arm.

When Hermione came to, Harry was holding her arm and looking happy. "My love," Harry said anxiously, "I'm sorry for the loving shock. I've been shipwrecked on an interesting island for the last ten years, living like the sun, but on a cloudy day, you know, when the wispy clouds kind of move in and out. I was only rescued last week." He paused. "I lost my hand in the wreck. Can you still love me?"

Hermione could hardly believe her Harry had returned. "I will always love you, hand or no hand. Besides, you can cover it up with a drawer."

They embraced joyfully and vowed to never be parted again.

And all was green.

Holy @*#*!(&!!! THIS IS TEH CRACK.

[switchknife.livejournal.com]

A Ink In Time

On a thorough and angry morning, Harry sat across the desk. It was Valentine's Day and he was all alone. His mouth ached in sorrow for the secret love that he could never share. How could he expect Snape to love someone with a hot arse?

Nastily, he began to recite a poem he had composed. "Ah, my love is like a tender wet quill, all on a summer's day. I wish my Snape would push me, in his own vicious way..."

"Do you?" Snape sat down beside Harry and put his hand on Harry's cock. "I think that could be arranged."

Harry gasped quickly. "But what about my hot arse?"

"I like it," Snape said surely. "I think it's glittering."

They came together and their kiss was like a fire that consumed him, Snape's body hot against his.

"I love you," Harry said steadily.

"I love you too," Snape replied and rode him.

They bought a billywig, moved in together, and lived hesitantly ever after.

* * *

Drabbler's Note: Glittering arse! Billywig! ROFL. Oh, I love you for this, Hal.

I did two, inspired by stupid WB

[drkcherry.livejournal.com]

On a black and glooomy morning, WB sat on the floor. It was Valentine's Day and he was all alone. His ass ached in sorrow for the secret love that he could never share. How could he expect Angel to love someone with a hot cock?

So, he began to recite a poem he had composed. "Ah, my love is like a funny dark demon, all on a summer's day. I wish my Angel would fuck me, in his own evil way..."

"Do you?" Angel sat down beside WB and put his hand on WB's nipple. "I think that could be arranged."

WB gasped rapidly. "But what about my hot cock?"

"I like it," Angel said hotly. "I think it's doomed."

They came together and their kiss was like a vampire that sucks the blood within your veins.

"I love you," WB said greedily.

"I love you too," Angel replied and fucked him.

They bought a dog, moved in together, and lived evily ever after.




WB finished packing. Ever since Angel, his own true love, had been lost at sea, WB had been despondent.

There was nothing left for him anymore, nothing fucked him, all was dark. So today, Valentine's Day, he was going on the floor to become a hot vampire.

Just then, there was a funny knock at the door. WB opened it and stood there stupidly for a moment, before falling to the floor in a swoon and bruising his ass.

When WB came to, Angel was holding his cock and looking confused. "My love," Angel said evily, "I'm sorry for the gloomy shock. I've been shipwrecked on a black island for the last ten years, living like a vampire that sucks the blood within your veins. I was only rescued last week." He paused. "I lost my nipple in the wreck. Can you still love me?"

WB could hardly believe his Angel had returned. "I will always love you, nipple or no nipple. Besides, you can cover it up with a demon."

They embraced greedily and vowed to never be parted again.

And all was evil.

*dies laughing*

[penknife.livejournal.com]

So right. So wrong.

To Angrily Bite

Charles and Erik were celebrating a metallic Valentine's Day together. Charles had cooked a beautiful dinner and they ate in a secret lair by candlelight.

"My darling," Erik said, stroking Charles's hand, "I have something for you." He gave a box to Charles. "It is but a strange token of my shiny love."

Charles opened the box. Inside was a mutant fork! He gazed at it hopefully. Then he gazed at Erik hopefully. "It's painful," Charles said. "Come here and let me bite you."

Just then, a violent crone sprang out of hiding and cackled like gathering storm clouds providing a sense of impending doom. "Your happiness will not last!" she said in an impressive voice and dropped a piece of paper onto the dinner table.

Erik read it. "It's a page from a diary. It says...it says that you're my brother."

They stared at each other regretfully as the crone cackled some more. Charles's shoulder began to tremble. Then Erik shrugged, pulled out a costume, and hit the crone on her neck. She fell over dead.

"Problem solved!" Charles said and kissed Erik broodily. "This is a curious Valentine's Day!"

They sharply burned the diary page in the candle and never told another soul.

And then they bit each other all night long.

... And the femslash version.

[switchknife.livejournal.com]

A Skirt In Time

On a creamy and freckled morning, Pansy sat against the wall. It was Valentine's Day and she was all alone. Her nipple ached in sorrow for the secret love that she could never share. How could she expect Ginny to love someone with a soft quim?

Roughly, she began to recite a poem she had composed. "Ah, my love is like a wet hot wall, all on a summer's day. I wish my Ginny would lick me, in her own red way..."

"Do you?" Ginny sat down beside Pansy and put her hand on Pansy's thigh. "I think that could be arranged."

Pansy gasped hungrily. "But what about my soft quim?"

"I like it," Ginny said warmly. "I think it's pale."

They came together and their kiss was like a tunnel of light that opened up and up, incandescent, white, painful...

"I love you," Pansy said quickly.

"I love you too," Ginny replied and thrust into her.

They bought an owl, moved in together, and lived thoroughly ever after.

[yavannauk.livejournal.com]

Heh!

A Bed In Time

On a small and shiny morning, Clark sat on a chair. It was Valentine's Day and he was all alone. His face ached in sorrow for the secret love that he could never share. How could he expect Lex to love someone with a rippling chest?

Firmly, he began to recite a poem he had composed. "Ah, my love is like a sleek garish book, all on a summer's day. I wish my Lex would hit me, in his own silvery way..."

"Do you?" Lex sat down beside Clark and put his hand on Clark's hand. "I think that could be arranged."

Clark gasped slowly. "But what about my rippling chest?"

"I like it," Lex said sweetly. "I think it's perfect."

They came together and their kiss was like a lamp that banishes the shadows from the room.

"I love you," Clark said happily.

"I love you too," Lex replied and hit him.

They bought a cat, moved in together, and lived gruffly ever after.

[poisonapple73.livejournal.com]

To Angrily Slap

Spike and Buffy were celebrating a whispery Valentine's Day together. Spike had cooked a cold dinner and they ate in a bed by candlelight.

"My darling," Buffy said, stroking Spike's eye, "I have something for you." She gave a box to Spike. "It is but a golden token of my glimmering love."

Spike opened the box. Inside was a slippery nail polish! He gazed at it harmoniously. Then he gazed at Buffy harmoniously. "It's quiet," Spike said. "Come here and let me slap you."

Just then, an incandescent crone sprang out of hiding and cackled like a candle who's flickering flame illuminates all the scattered poems within his mind and lights them on fire.. "Your happiness will not last!" she said in a painful voice and dropped a piece of paper onto the dinner table.

Buffy read it. "It's a page from a diary. It says...it says that you're my brother."

They stared at each other forcefully as the crone cackled some more. Spike's hand began to tremble. Then Buffy shrugged, pulled out a bottle, and hit the crone on her toe nail. She fell over dead.

"Problem solved!" Spike said and kissed Buffy silently. "This is a blank Valentine's Day!"

They violently burned the diary page in the candle and never told another soul.

And then they wounded each other all night long.

Trelawney/Hooch! You know you want it.

[switchknife.livejournal.com]

Earthy Love

Trelawney finished packing. Ever since Hooch, her own true love, had been lost at sea, Trelawney had been frizzy.

There was nothing left for her anymore, nothing kissed her, all was light. So today, Valentine's Day, she was going on the spare carpet to become a perfumed tea-cup.

Just then, there was a breezy knock at the door. Trelawney opened it and stood there roughly for a moment, before falling to the floor in a swoon and bruising her thigh.

When Trelawney came to, Hooch was holding her shoulder and looking dizzy. "My love," Hooch said lightly, "I'm sorry for the hard shock. I've been shipwrecked on a calloused island for the last ten years, living like a Nimbus at top speed, wind-whipped, wild, beautiful. I was only rescued last week." She paused. "I lost my quim in the wreck. Can you still love me?"

Trelawney could hardly believe her Hooch had returned. "I will always love you, quim or no quim. Besides, you can cover it up with a broomstick."

They embraced hungrily and vowed to never be parted again.

And all was rough.