prillalar | Some things you can't forget. Even if you want to.

Try this one:

Jack nudged the elastic down until it was caught under Pacey's balls, pushing them up away from his thighs and giving Jack the perfect angle to chow down on them.

What, are they German?

*flees*

And people wonder why I loathe hardcore so...

.a.

I know it's not very polite to laugh at other people's pain, but all the same, hahahahahahahah!

there's always the Jossverse classic "filling her with his cold, dead seed."

A well known author in Jossverse continues to insist that the prostate is lickable. Without, apparently, its removal or the use of a prehensile tongue.

Oh yes. Several.

The worn gray sweatpants Daniel had on were living up to their name and clinging tenaciously to his lower body, molded like a second skin to his gluts, thighs and calves. The soft suede moccasin boots finished the picture creating a vision of a feral woodland godling.

And also:

Nested in the thick, black curls, his manhood hung, soft, thick, and pink, just resting over the wrinkled, velvet purse between his downy thighs.

*shudder*

Oh, god, the wrinkled velvet purse is killing me.

the friend who forwarded it to me said: "It's where he stores nuts for the winter." And then I died of horror.

I was amused, wait no. Frightened. To discover that it was, in fact a Clockstoppers/Taken crossover.

Two words.

"Balmy lair."

"more than human vastness"

::laughs::
I think all of the above comments make it quite plain that some terms should be deleted in fics, put a way and never looked at again ... as another LJ friends said if you are ever tempted to use the word "intruder" in porn that isn't about breaking and entering? it's time to step away from the keyboard. Her comment about having read so much bad fic that she was almost using the same terms in her own *g*

Somewhere I remember hearing about "chocolate starfish of love," but that may have been a joke. *g* We'll hope.

But it messes with my head every time I see a box of those chocolate seashells.

If I never again see semen described as "viscous, blood-warm fluid", it will be too soon. Too soon, I say.

his glittering obsidian orbs penetrated the core of Harry's being

his hot, pink gates of love

(It's actually a bad translation of the Japanese colloquial phrase, or so I was told at the time [my friends were determined not to let language classes get dull])

Are you sure it wasn't the hot, pink gates of looooooooooove? Those extra Os can make a big difference. *g*

Severus again parted him, taking his erection and introducing the turgid tip to the primed entrance of the boy's eager body.

Maybe we need a Bulwer-Lytton Porn Contest.

Aw, damn, if I knew where the Nikita stories were I'm thinking of... I'm not going to be able to give an example off the top of my head, though I did at one point ask the person quoting them whether Nikita, in that story, actually had a tail. (She did not.)

!! I don't even read or watch LFN, but I was once pointed to a story that has become my personal hallmark of badness -- the sort of thing you quote lines out of to non-fan friends just because it's so. damn. bad. And now I can't remember where it was or what it was called, except that there was a really impossible public blowjob in a restaurant booth, Michael "thanked the fashion gods" for Nikita's thong, and it ended with the line: It is always thus when lovers enter the gates of heaven together, the perfect climax, the perfect moment, the perfect OH!!!!

God, I wish I could find that fic. *g* Does Nikita breed worse porn than your usual fandom?

.m

You know, that could be the same author. The vibe is familiar. (I don't read LFN - this was a set of excerpts as part of a Bad Porn conversation, so I've never seen the whole story.)

Okay, I'll tell you why this sentence actually works for me:

It's dirty and yet not inelegant. "Rosy" is a cute, cliched word, even a little childish that way. When I know that it's being used to describe something so forbidden and sexual, it makes me blush. "Pucker" has very much the same effect--it should be a neutral word and yet when it's said, I know exactly what you're describing, so I'm feeling supremely naughty by that point. "Untried"--you're telling me that he's a virgin without using the obvious word or spelling it out in unsubtle, agonizing detail, and that gives me a pleasurable feel. (Not to mention my Virgin kink.) And "entrance" is the word that's chosen to end it, on a gentle euphemism, so that the feeling of blushing naughtiness is given a moment of justification: "It's all right to like this dirty stuff." I like this phrase. If it fits into the rest of the language of the text I wouldn't have any trouble with it.

There's always one, isn't there? *g* Really, though, thanks for posting this. It's all subjective, isn't it?

I actually find a lot of badfic deeply satisfying, but this particular piece was even more OOC than usual and the prose was very purple. This was the phrase I couldn't get out of my head.

Yeah, see--if I'd seen that in, say, a Seeker fic, I probably would have had my above reaction. If the whole thing was overdone and just plain bad, OTOH...

...when said rosy pucker is "winking."

If you're interested (and you may not be) I have a badfic "recs" page here: http://www.squirreltail.net/heamc. It's a sickness, I read too much badfic and have to share it with people.

Then you might enjoy

badficsupport, a multifandom badfic community.

Yep. I was on that for a while and suddenly every time I tried to post, they would never ever show up. After that I just didn't bother. :-) For me, it's one of those things where I like to find the badfic myself. That's always a good time. Heh.

Hee! I actually read a *lot* of badfic and enjoy, even in a non-humorous way. Some of it has the soul of a better story buried deep within.

pearlescent streams of man-juice

{guilty as charged, it was a Bulwar-Lytton contest}

I can't remember the exact words but it had something to do with somebody plumbing somebody else's depths with his flagpole.

Then there's always the classic line from an MSR that went like this:

"Suddenly, nuclear war broke out."

Well, I know I'm biased, but I shall always remain most fond of the following from an SG-1 fic:

He was already smiling at his own idiot notions when he revealed the object of his desire. It was thick and firm, it's surface rippled by veins like chocolate, like a double Mars bar with twenty-five per cent extra free.

If you ever wondered about my Bad!Fic icon, now you understand the subtle, yet strange iconography.

I confess, I find that simile strangely compelling -- the twenty-five per cent extra really pushes out of badfic into so-crazy-it-just-might-work-fic. I suppose I'd have to see it in context to be suitably squicked.

Well, feel free to check it out for yourself here (http://www.geocities.com/caroline19732002/warrior.html). Just keep in mind you have been warned (http://www.livejournal.com/users/widget285/68277.html).

Feel free to flee in horror at any time.

Damn, I was hoping it was going to be some grand AU, but it was just some unlikely locker-room smut.

Not as graphic, but very memorable:

"Tom then laid utterly limp, like an uncooked pie crust over the filling that was Chakotay."

Oh, lovely!

Anything involving variations on the sentence 'Character A emptied himself into Character B's bowels.' Hell, just the word 'bowels' in a sex scene. Erg.

How about this:

Oh yeah, work that fantastic man-cunt up and down my pole.

Can't you just feel the sexy?

Some things you can't forget. Even if you want to.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

I know I always laugh

Re: I know I always laugh

Re: I know I always laugh

Re: I know I always laugh

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject